Valentine's Day Suggestions..

Today I went home for lunch to witness my girl watching Martha Stewart make Valentine's Day fortune cookies.  Whatever, wasting thought on Martha being Martha and the drain that entails is beyond counterproductive.  Never mind the fact that if a man gets excited over a Valentine’s Day fortune cookie he couldn’t be more of a fruit unless he had a cock in his mouth. I then came across an article about setting the mood for Valentine’s Day and the combined force of sucktitude between the two made me post this.

Here is the music this person suggested for the occasion:

 Here are the top ten Valentine's Day songs to impress your sweetheart this Valentine's Day:
• “A Million Love Songs” -- Take That
• “Valentine Song” -- by Robert Argyle Campbell
• “Nobody Loves Me Like You Do” -- Whitney Houston and Jermaine Jackson
• “I Need Your Love Tonight” -- Elvis Presley
• “Song: Persuasions to Enjoy” -- by Thomas Carew
• “My Heart Will Go On” -- Celine Dion
• “Everything I Do For You” - Brian Adams
• “The Power Of Love” -- Celine Dion
• “A Promise I Make” -- Dakota Moon
• “Quit Playing Games With My Heart” -- Backstreet Boys

OK where do I start bashing this travesty. Evidently this fucking idiot thinks you’re dating a deaf girl or a Russian mail-order bride candidate because this is the most God-awful fiasco of a fucking list I have ever seen. Anyone else, other than the mute who can’t hear this shit or whore giving you the reach around to snag your wallet, will leave your pathetic ass the second any of these songs hits the speakers.

Celine Dion on the list twice. What self-respecting male would listen to her once? Whitney Houston’s mom wouldn’t even listen to her sing a song with Jermaine Jackson. The producers of that song must have had to buy a Scarface sized pile of coke to make her record that song. If I could discreetly slip a grenade in Bryan Adams’ pocket I’d seriously consider doing it.  And she spelled his name incorrectly...which is the only cool thing she had to say.  Disrespect that loser all you want honey.  And how many of these clowns are Canadian? Who the fuck is Take That...or the Campbell loser. Where exactly is Dakoto Moon? Is that where the Backstreet Boys go to pick up trannies?

It’s people like the retard that made this list that fuck up holidays for everybody.

"what a friggin crock"

From a reader...

"I started boycotting Valentines Day years ago...what a friggin crock it is! A corporate holiday, invented with the sole purpose of making Chocolate, Jewelry, Greeting Card, and Stuffed Animal companies richer.
Yes, I've had several girlfriends get pissed about me refusing to take them out for Valentines Day, but none have ever dumped me for it, so...?
I've since come to the conclusion that women truly are sheep, as all that is needed is someone (on TV, the radio, or just a friend) to tell them they need something, and they will go right out and buy it, or more likely, get the boyfriend to buy it for them! Hahaha! Suckers!"

Another perspective...

From a reader...

"I don't persay have a Valentine's Day Horror Story. Even the year I gloriously dubbed Valentine's Day "Venerial Day", it wasn't horrific or awful or anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, I've never even had a "Venerial Disease" and with my green card in hand, I was certainly socially pardoned for making such a statement. But 2008 is a brand new year. And me, myself, and Irena are quickly approaching the dreaded day living with... (drumroll, please) my ex-husband! Yes... I am 25 and divorced and the mother of a beautiful little girl. After two years of being divorced and sharing custody, I decided that "sharing" wasn't the name of my game, so my ex-husband and I decided to move in together for our daughter's benefit. So, as far as Valentine's Day horror stories go, I'm quite sure that this one will be it, and that I will probably top whatever it is that the rest of our society may spew up here. What makes me so certain? For starters, this man and I have absolutely zero sexual contact, and even five months later, he still doesn't stop asking "when" it will happen. The fact that I frequently respond with "please go and get it elsewhere" doesn't change the fact that he is still home every day playing video games... yes... video games... and practicing his social skills through a handy little contraption called "a headset". So... here it is, February 5th, 9 days until impact, and even though I will be the first to scream "This isn't a real Holiday!" at the top of my lungs, tradition and basic human instinct to love and breed make me feel somewhat sad that I will be spending this fancy little day pretending to be sleeping while listening to my ex-husband scream "Shoot behind the tank!!!" in the other room. No, it isn't a real holiday, but we as the human species have successfully managed to make it such far beyond what I think to be our best ability. And though I could very well choose to deny it, I do know that I will spend at least a moment trying to battle the desire to feel and love and lust and glow in the glory of it all while I'm laying there in bed listening to grown children play and coupled cars drive by."

Economics of V Day

A 2007 "survey" by the National Retail Federation (which explains a lot about where this is coming from) stated the average male was expected to spend $156.22 on their sweetheart for Valentine's Day.  There is no breakdown as far as how much of that total is for gas carting her to and fro but I'd rather not rant about why this country is wasting its time invading an oil producing country yet prices at the pump skyrocket.  

The study does say popular gifts include:

Flowers - 58.3%

Cards - 56.7% (who the fuck thinks a card is a "gift")

An evening out - 53.1%

Candy - 42.9%

The idiocy of this report continues with this gem: "Men continue to be the primary spenders when it comes to splurging on gifts for Valentine's Day."  No shit Sherlock.  The masters of the obvious went on to say that the sky is blue and Paris Hilton is a syphilitic whore. No word yet if the study figured out if Valentine's Day in in February.

Interesting facts from the survey:

-189 million roses produced for 2006 V Day

-Men purchased 74% of the roses

-V Day is the 3rd most popular card-sending holiday after Christmas and Father's Day 

(How the hell is Mother's Day not #1?)

This foolish study wasn't the most ridiculous part of the day though.  Colin Cowheard - who's a jackass but that's not the point - said Lava Life came up with this handy guide to spending:

-$60 and under dating less than two months

-$100 for four months

-$200 four to six months

-$300 six months or longer

Well thank you very much Lava Life, I really appreciate your horse shit slide rule.  I was beginning to think I'd never get laid again.  Then again they have over 71,000 people on their website and I have, ummm, well, zero.

Tough to top this one

Someone just sent this post to me...

"Not sure how to contribute to the Valentine Horror blog, so I'll just give it ti you short and sweet.  On one Valentine's Day learned my wife of 5 years was having an affair with her college professor when she left an email open on our computer.  That was the best Valentine's Day ever.  OH did I mention that Valentine's Day also happens to be my birthday.  It was the best birthday ever.  During the divorce she moved to Tampa Bay, won fake boobs on some Howard Stern knock off radio show and hooked up with some guy 35 years older than her."

Who the hell is Hallmark?

And why is that donkey making my life so miserable?  Is life so awful that we need some foolish holiday manufactured by a greeting card conglomerate so we can buy marked-up roses and dinner while being forced to listen to douche bags like Sting and assuage the concerns of our soul mate that, "yes pumpkin I do love you.  Now stuff your face chocolates."  Shouldn't our significant other realize that by listening to their drivel the other 364 days of the year is proof of love?

Expectations for this day are always higher than actual delivery.  Once someone sets the bar on this holiday, the next must be bigger and better.  Anything other than some ridiculous cirque-du-soleil-style-date is a referendum on the state of the relationship.  Next thing you know there will be a secretary's day, oh wait that asshole already had that brain drizzle.

I guess I should just shut up, plunk down the cash and be glad that I'm gonna get laid.